Psychoanalyst Reveals ‘Real Reason’ Men Have Affairs And It’s Not About Sex
London-based psychoanalyst Juliet Rosenfeld explains that sex isn’t the real reason most men are unfaithful.
A psychoanalyst has shared what she believes is the real reason men cheat on their partners — and according to her, it has very little to do with sex itself.
Juliet Rosenfeld, a UKCP-accredited psychoanalyst and published author, says her years of working with couples have helped her understand why infidelity happens more often than many might think.
While people will always have their own opinions about what drives someone to be unfaithful, Juliet, who practices in London, says that after two decades of listening to countless clients, she’s seen clear patterns that suggest a deeper emotional cause behind it all.
In a column written for the Daily Mail, she pointed out a 2018 YouGov study which revealed that around one in five people admitted to cheating on their partner.
“Other studies have suggested that men have more affairs than women, but from my experience in the consulting room, I’m not sure that’s true,” Juliet said.
“What I do believe is that men are unfaithful for different reasons from women.”
Juliet explained that while every person’s experience is different and no two relationships are the same, she’s noticed one explanation that many of her male patients mention again and again.
“And, contrary to what most people think, it’s never just about sex – or, as my distressed patient claimed, ‘because they can’,” the psychotherapist wrote.
She also added that for anyone who’s been deeply affected by a partner’s infidelity, it’s worth knowing that “the roots of infidelity are usually laid down decades before it happens”, often long before the relationship itself began.
The cost-of-living crisis
“Financial pressures, careers stalling or ending, and other typical events of middle age – like the nest emptying, or caring for elderly parents – can make a man long for change or distraction,” she explained.
“In my experience, economics can play a big role in affairs.”
To escape depression
Juliet believes that even when a man’s depression isn’t caused by his relationship, it’s often something his partner can’t fix for him, no matter how much support she tries to give.
She recalled one patient who described using infidelity as a way to escape emotional pain — a kind of self-prescribed relief to dull the ache of a lonely and difficult childhood that had haunted him throughout his life.
To feel accepted
According to Juliet, many men who seek validation outside their relationships are actually repeating a deeper emotional pattern that started in childhood.
That early sense of not being fully accepted or valued can carry into adulthood and affect their romantic relationships too.
“People who feel loved, seen and cared for do not have affairs,” she said.
To avoid suffering
“For someone starved of affection and respect, a new relationship can emphasise the deficits of an unhappy one,” the relationship expert noted.
“This does not excuse infidelity, which is still an act of betrayal whatever the circumstances, but it can mean it has a less harmful outcome.”
To deny getting older
Without wanting to sound like a cliché, Juliet said that many men turn to affairs with younger partners because they are struggling with feelings about aging, declining confidence, and a loss of physical attractiveness.
For some, it becomes a way of pushing back against the reality of growing older and facing their own mortality.
